“I’m Not Good Enough”: Understanding Common Self-Critical Thoughts and low self esteem

Author: Dr Hannah Osborne, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and EMDR UK Accreditated practitioner providing therapy & EMDR in Berkhamsted, Tring & Hertfordshire

Many people experience thoughts like:

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m a fraud.”

“People don’t really like me.”

“I should be coping better than this.”

These thoughts can feel uncomfortable, convincing, and sometimes deeply personal. When they show up repeatedly, it can be easy to assume they must say something meaningful or accurate about who we are.

However, one of the things people often discover in therapy is just how common these experiences are. Thoughts about not being good enough, not fitting in, or being judged by others are incredibly widespread. They show up across different ages, professions, and life stages.

In many ways, they are part of being human.

Why Our Minds Do This

Our minds are constantly interpreting the world around us. They compare, evaluate, predict, and try to anticipate problems before they happen.

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense. Human brains developed to look for potential threats and mistakes, because noticing problems helped our ancestors survive. The mind is therefore very good at scanning for things that might go wrong — including social rejection or failure.

The challenge is that this same system can turn inward.

Instead of only spotting dangers in the external world, the mind can start evaluating us. It can generate thoughts about whether we measure up, whether we belong, or whether we are doing enough.

Importantly, the presence of a thought does not necessarily mean it is true. It simply means that the mind has produced it.

When Thoughts Start to Take Over

Self-critical thoughts can become more difficult when we begin to treat them as facts rather than as mental events.

For example, if the thought “I’m a fraud” shows up, we might start to withdraw from opportunities or avoid situations where we might be evaluated.

If the mind says “people don’t like me”, we may begin to pull back socially or become overly focused on signs of disapproval.

Over time, these thoughts can shape behaviour in ways that reinforce the negative way we feel about ourselves.

One helpful step is learning to notice thoughts rather than automatically accepting them as accurate reflections of reality.

Creating a Little Space

In therapy, we often explore ways of creating some distance from unhelpful thinking patterns. Acceptance and Comitment Therapy (ACT) is a really useful therapy for helping people learn about their minds and moving outside of their comfort zone

One simple exercise is to slightly rephrase a thought. Instead of saying:

“I’m not good enough.”

You might try noticing:

“I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.”

This small shift can help remind us that thoughts are things the mind produces, rather than objective facts about who we are.

The goal is not to get rid of thoughts completely — which rarely works — but to develop the ability to step back from them and decide how much attention we want to give them.

A Different Question to Ask

When difficult thoughts appear, many people automatically try to argue with them or prove them wrong. While this can sometimes be helpful, it can also lead to getting stuck in long internal debates.

Another approach is to ask a slightly different question:

“Is focusing on this thought helping me right now?”

For example, if the mind says “What if I get it wrong? What if it all turns out bad?”, we might ask:

Does dwelling on these thoughts help me do what matters to me?

Does it help me move forward in the situation I’m facing?

Sometimes the thought may still be there, but we can choose not to let it determine our next step.

This can gradually help people develop a more balanced relationship with their thinking.

You’re Not the Only One

One of the most reassuring things people discover in therapy is that these experiences are far more common than they realised.

People who appear confident and capable often privately struggle with thoughts such as:

“I’m behind everyone else.”

“I should be doing better.”

“If people really knew me…”

Recognising the shared nature of these experiences can reduce some of the shame that often accompanies them.

It can also open up space to approach ourselves with a little more understanding and compassion.

Rikke Kjelgaard from Rikke Kjelgaard | Psychologist, ACT expert and author produced this beautiful video capturing how we can all struggle with inner belief and negative thoughts about ourselves. Thank you for allowing me permission to use this in my blog Rikke.

 

Therapy in Hertfordshire

If self-critical thoughts are starting to affect your confidence, relationships, or wellbeing, therapy can offer a supportive space to explore these patterns.

As a clinical psychologist offering therapy in Hertfordshire, I work with people experiencing difficulties such as anxiety, low self-esteem, overthinking, and self-doubt. Together we can look at how certain thought patterns develop, why they persist, and ways of responding to them that feel more helpful and manageable.

Many people find that developing a different relationship with their thoughts can significantly reduce their impact.

EMDR for Self-Belief and Self-Esteem

For some individuals, persistent thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a fraud” are linked to earlier experiences. These might include criticism, bullying, difficult relationships, or situations where someone felt judged, rejected, or inadequate.

When this is the case, EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) can be particularly helpful. EMDR works by helping the brain process and integrate experiences that may still be influencing how someone sees themselves today.

As these memories are processed, the beliefs connected to them often begin to shift. People frequently find that long-standing self-critical thoughts lose some of their intensity, allowing space for a more balanced and compassionate view of themselves.

If you are looking for therapy in Berkhamsted, Tring or Hertfordshire for anxiety, self-esteem difficulties, or unhelpful self-beliefs, working with a psychologist can help you understand these patterns and begin to move forward with greater confidence.

References

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Hofmann, S. G., Asmundson, G. J. G., & Beck, A. T. (2013). The science of cognitive therapy. Behaviour Therapy, 44(2), 199–212.

Clark, D. A., & Beck, A. T. (2010). Cognitive Therapy of Anxiety Disorders: Science and Practice. Guilford Press.

Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable & Robinson.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols and Procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.